1) The Volvo Driver:
Drives: A volvoloid box. See Volvo photos.
Behavior: See: Volvo Drivers
Mitigating Factors: Your girlfriend is unlikely to run off with him.
Prognosis: When the kids leave home, he’ll buy a Renault Megane and become much harder to spot.
2) BMW Man:
Drives: 320i. Got the one with a tape deck, cloth seats and no AC so he could afford the sports body kit. Has been known to break down and weep if overtaken by someone in a 320½i or something.
Behavior: Subconsciously believes that overtaking you will help him sell more photocopiers than the bloke at the next desk. (He would cut off his left leg with the edge of a memo from HR to achieve this.) Schmoozes hot commercial and/or romantic prospects on the mobile while tailgating at 100mph and three inches.
Mitigating Factors: Reasonably skilled driver, so not too likely to kill you even with the max testosterone style. Will soon have carved his way past and be out of your life forever.
Prognosis: The lucky few make it to senior management 540i nirvana, and learn how to cruise. The rest descend to middle-aged Renault Scenic Hell wherein their sins will receive more than adequate punishment.
3) School Run Mum:
Behavior: Multitasks like a schizophrenic on Benzedrine. Preoccupations include, but are not limited to:
Mitigating Factors: Back home by 9:30 am. Loads up on Prozac. Doesn’t bother anyone until 3:00.
Prognosis: The 2010s will see the emergence of School Run Granny. Be very afraid.
4) The Old Guy in The Hat
Behavior: The last object he saw in the rear-view mirror had a starting handle. May wander up to two lanes adrift of his intended position. Has great difficulty with toll-booths, car park ticket machines etc.
Mitigating Factors: Covers 15 miles per year, so you’re unlikely to get the same one twice. Hasn’t had an accident since they disbanded the Home Guard.
Prognosis: Subject to continuing theological debate.
5) The Second Wife
Behavior: Has reached a position in life where lane discipline, giving way to the right at roundabouts and accurate parking are beneath her. In truth, the roundabout problem may be a side-effect of her last face-lift, which has left her unable to rotate her head by more than 5 degrees.
Mitigating Factors: Will write you a 5 figure cheque on the spot rather than bother giving you her insurance details.
Prognosis: Histrionic triumph as the downtrodden victim in a nasty divorce case.
Behavior: Lives with parents at age 30 to afford this car. Practices very defensive driving. Is occasionally overtaken by old ladies in Metros. Knows what Nigel Mansell had for breakfast on the morning of the ’86 Adelaide Grand Prix. Attends track days where he gets lapped by reps in V6 Vectras.
Mitigating Factors: Great guy to buy a second hand nutter car from.
Prognosis: Write-off after collision with company car driver. Years of therapy.
7) The 17 Year-Old
Behavior: Erratic. Prone to single-vehicle accidents resulting from misguided attempts to impress girls. More skillful 17 year-olds may be able to keep the car in one piece long enough to lower the suspension, fit remolds on 20 inch three-spoke alloys, and install wonky primer-coloured front and rear spoilers. These modifications are almost as expensive as wrecking the car, and only slightly more successful with the ladies.
Mitigating Factors: Those were the days…
Prognosis: All of the above.
8) The Power-Dresser
Behavior: Wears pinstripe miniskirt. Excellent driver. Always concentrates on driving. Annihilates white vans, Ferraris and police helicopters. Flashes lights at drivers who hog the fast lane. Embarrasses macho colleagues by easily winning corporate team-building karting events.
Mitigating Factors: Being overtaken at speed by a fit girl in a hot car totally works for me. Also the only thing on the road that BMW Man is afraid of.
Prognosis: School Run Mum. Pointing this out will get you killed.
9) The Unlicensed Minicab
Behavior: Arrived in the UK yesterday. Determines the function of the major controls by trial-and-error during your journey. Hazy on road signs, lane discipline and right turns, but has already memorized the frequencies of his preferred radio stations.
Mitigating Factors: Will venture South of the river, if only in pursuit of a quiet spot in which to rob you.
Prognosis: Fifteen quid, minimum, at this time of night.
10) The Born-Again Biker
Rides: Whichever Honda/Yamaha/Suzuki/Kawasaki 1000cc sports bike was infinitesimally better than the others on the week he bought it. Previous bike was a BSA or Norton.
Behavior: Goes on a “run” to the nearest seaside town every May and August Bank Holiday. This route is so heavily policed, he never dares exceed 60 mph. Spends the day drinking takeaway coffee with other middle-aged men in sweaty leathers and swapping tips on outwitting speed cameras.
Mitigating Factors: If he gets it badly wrong, he’ll die. You won’t.
Prognosis: Broken Leg. Bike sold by wife during convalescence.
It's not just bad drivers that wind us up, read more on blinman.com